


Man or a Monster

by Shell_Writes



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew kinda has a crisis, Happy Ending, Kinda Dark, M/M, Smoking is bad kids, Song fic, about his family and his actions, also neil is here too, neil is Cute and Innocent™, the song is so andrew I couldn't help myself, this is mostly andrew thinking about his life and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 02:22:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11568327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shell_Writes/pseuds/Shell_Writes
Summary: Andrew reviews his life and his actions so far, many questions loom over him.





	Man or a Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Set to the song Man or a monster By Sam Tinnesz. It's such an Andrew song, check it out!  
> Sorry if this is bad, I literally just wrote it in two hour while listening to the song, so sorry if there's mistakes.

Andrew Minyard isn't a saint, he isn't a good person, he never was and he never will be. That was just a fact. He won't be like Renee, and turn good. Or like Neil, still somehow can see the good in some people, even after all that happened to him. Or even like Aaron. He was corrupt, bad. And he knew that since he was seven years old.

 

_When you close your eyes, what do you see? Do you hold the light, or is darkness underneath?_

 

Another fact was that Andrew had a lot of bad days. They haven't stopped just because of Neil. He's still plagued by nightmares, and not just at night. Nightmares of the demons that try to devour his being every time he closes his eyes. The demons of his abusers and the demons of his doings.

 

_In your hands, there's a touch that can heal_

 

Andrew's not that bad, Neil would say. He helped Aaron after all. And Kevin, saved Nicky, and told Neil to stay and protected him from Riko. That's not what a bad person would do, right?

 

_but in those same hands is the power to kill._

 

But is it really the right thing? Andrew didn't regret anything he had to do to survive and protect his family, even if some of them were ungrateful. He refused to feel bad for what he did to Aaron's mother, or the four men who attacked Nicky. He definitely didn't feel bad for what he did to Riko. Those things didn't bother him much.

What bothered him a little was what he had to do to insure his family's safety. Matt's drug problems, almost killing Allison when she hit Aaron, the countless bad but necessary things he had to do to survive in juvie. He wouldn't say he regrets it, but would he do the same things if given the chance? Probably yes. Maybe that was the problem.

 

_Are you a man or a monster? Are you a man or a monster? When you look at yourself, are you a man or a monster?_

 

He doesn't know anymore. Andrew promised himself, that he would never be like his abusers. But maybe while he was trying hard to not be like his abusers, he became something else. Something just as bad, but in a different way. No. He's not like them, he did what he had to do.

But still, this little nagging sensation in his chest keeps him hanging, is he like them? Is his first ever promise been broken? His worst nightmare?

 

_So hard to tell, which side your on, one day is hell, the next day is the dawn._

 

And his bad days are ever present. Glooming over his head, and following him like shadows repeating the same questions, Are You Like Them? No? But Why Are You So Similar? Andrew tries to ignore them because not everyday is bad. No, some days are good. So good, Andrew has to stop and think if he really deserves them.

On the good days, Neil is there like always, his smile is blinding as the two of them smoke on the roof. Looking at Andrew like he always does, like Andrew is the only thing worth looking at, like Andrew is his fucking answer. Andrew pretends to dislike it, and pushes Neil's face away from his own. Neil would laugh slightly, and something would clench in Andrew's chest. Something good and terrifying at the same time.

Other good days, Neil and Nicky would make Aaron and him talk, go outside together. Repair a broken relationship, and rebuild shaky trust. The twins would go for ice cream, at first they didn't talk at all. But then Aaron said something about 'fucking annoying cousins and asshole Neils' and Andrew had to agree with his brother. Then it started to get easier, after their shared sessions with Bee they would go eat late lunch or early dinners together.

Other good days, Kevin would have a fucking spine. Those day were slightly increasing after the queen got out of rehab, to the absolute delight of Andrew and Neil.

Andrew needed to remember those days, his brother's and cousin's presence, Kevin's safety, and Neil's everything. But it's not that easy, now is it. Because bad days always followed, crashing harder than the previous ones and swallowing him whole.

 

_The line's a blur, keep rubbing in your eyes, the tables turned, now it's time to survive._

 

Good and bad, right and wrong. Who decides those things anyways? Andrew sees things as what helps him survive another day to protect his own, and other not-as-important things. That's how he had to think to survive in juvie or horrible foster homes. He didn't have the privilege to look at things most people do, to think Is this a nice thing to do? Would nice people do that?

But he can see that people would classify his actions as bad, even evil and outrageously wrong. And that's the thing, even though Andrew tries not to care what other people say about him, he does when it comes to those things. Because they're his 'victims' and even though he hates to admit it even to himself, he was once a victim too.

Does that mean Andrew is their Drake?

 

_Are you a man or a monster? Are you a man or a monster? When you look at yourself, are you a man or a monster?_

 

It doesn't help that the upperclassmen call him the monster. And he doesn't really care about them, not really. That's what he keeps telling himself at least.

What's more important is how he look at himself. And that's another thing, he believes them. He is a monster. He wouldn't lie to himself or be naïve. When he sees himself and all the things he's done from an outside perspective, he is a monster. A very bad person.

 

_You can't take back the damage you've done._

 

And he can't change that, no matter what anyone says. No matter what Bee tells him. He can't 'redeem' himself. Second chances were not made for people like him. Andrew does the bad thing for a good reason (at least in his opinion) and he has to watch the aftermath. The damage he had inflicted on another human being, and their way of dealing with it.

Andrew has to live with that. That's why he vowed to himself years ago, that he won't feel regret if he wanted to survive. Andrew finds it hard to keep good to that vow. Because he can't take back what he did to Aaron after he killed his mother, or Matt after he put drugs in front of him to see his self control, or drugging Neil the fist night at Eden's. The things he had to do to the freshmen. Or any other bad thing he did to his family and/or other people. No matter how justified those actions were.

He just can't take them back even if he wanted to.

 

_Oh, You can hide, but you can't run. No, you can't take back the damage you've done, afraid of what you might become._

 

Andrew is not like Neil, he's not a runner. He can't and won't run away from his demons. He knows he'll put them off until they come to bite him in the ass then he'll have to fight through them like always.

He'll put them off because he doesn't really enjoy feeling horrible, or weak. And those two feelings always come when he tries to sort through his emotions. Horrible and weak.

A monster. Just like his abusers were to him, he is now to other people. Not in the way his rapists were, a different way but equally monstrous though. And he's afraid of what he'll find buried deep down, these thoughts he kept putting off because he needed to do those things that made him think like that. For the sake of his family. For the sake of Kevin, Neil, and himself.

 

_A man or a monster?_

_A man or a monster?_

_Are you a man or a monster, are you a man or a monster? When you look at yourself, are you a man or a monster?_

 

After each of these nightmares/thoughts/whatever, he'll go to the roof and smoke his lungs out.

Neil would always be there half an hour later, sitting next to him silently while their legs dangle over the edge. He knows what's going on in Andrew's mind and Andrew learned to be okay with that. He also knows what's going on inside Neil's. "What is it."

Neil looks at him and smiles one of those smiles only Andrew gets to see. He shrugs, and thankfully doesn't say anything about Andrew's head state at the moment "nothing."

Andrew glares at him because he knows it's not nothing. He doesn't say anything though, Neil will tell him when he's ready. Andrew lights another cigarette after he throws the last one over the edge.

He can feel Neil staring at him but he won't acknowledge it and he stares straight ahead as he takes a drag from the cigarette and holds it for a few seconds. Andrew hears Neil inhale the smoke he blew out. fucking junkie.

He turns to look at him and raises an eyebrow. Neil smiles again "let's go for a ride." Andrew looks at him for a few seconds and then nods.

It's not unusual for them to go for late night rides, and it's only midnight right now. Neil's smile widens and he stands up. The two men walk downstairs and go to the parking lot.

Andrew spots his black Maserati parked ten feet away from them, and he feels a little better. Andrew doesn't have a lot material objects that he cares for, but his car is one of the few he actually has. It's a freedom he was never allowed to have in his old life.

Neil went to the driver seat and got into the car before Andrew. "You have somewhere specific?" Asked Andrew when he closed the door after himself, lighting two cigarettes and passing one to Neil.

Neil took the cigarette with his left hand and smiled at Andrew as he started the car "I guess. Maybe. I don't really know."

Andrew rolled his eyes at the mess that is Neil Josten. He stayed silent and let Neil drive them. He stared out the window and thought that this is one of the good days. He had his cigarettes, car, and Neil was by his side.

Andrew reminded himself that it's not all that bad.

An hour later, the car stopped. There were empty lands as long as the eye can see in every direction Andrew looked, nothing was there but a tree close by the car. He looked at Neil and raised his eyebrow in a question. Neil smiled shyly and got out of the car and walked to the tree.

Andrew sighed and followed him outside. It was dark but as he got closer to the tree, he could see more light coming from somewhere in front of Neil who was giving Andrew his back and was looking ahead with his right hand on the tree trunk. As Andrew got closer he could finally see the source of light. It was coming from the city below them. The two were on higher grounds looking over the city, the buildings, and the lit streets. The moon hung high on the night sky, its light not doing much compared to the city's. The stars were scattered around it, glimmering every once in a while. Everything looked and sounded peaceful. Quiet.

He looked to his right side at Neil who was looking at him expectedly and smiling slightly. Andrew rolled his eyes and took out another cigarette and put it in his mouth as he tried to light it. "how did you find this place? Is it for hiding Jack's body? It's remote enough I'd say." The wind was stronger here than the tower's roof, so he had to put his hand around the cigarette to get the fire to catch the actual stick.

Neil laughed and shook his head. Andrew walked away from him and closer to the edge. His heart started pounding hard and fast inside his chest when he looked down, so loud he barely heard Neil approaching from behind him. It was a long, long fall. He'll definitely die if he fell. Andrew took a step back.

"Matt told me about it, actually." Said Neil from his side "he says he comes here with Dan when they need some peace and quiet."

Hmm. Of course, he thought about it but Neil's not really the type for this sort of thing. But Boyd and Dan absolutely are. He felt a smile tugging his lips "Did you just bring me to a make out spot?"

"What?" Neil blurted out, his eyes wide. Damn you, Matthew Boyd. Andrew's chest clenched just looking at Neil's face that was turning slightly but surely to a pink shade. Ever the innocent child when it comes to these things.

"Yeah. Definitely a make out spot." Said Andrew looking around, "how could you not tell? You know what, don't answer that."

Neil's eyebrows pulled together, he looked so confused. Andrew allowed himself to slip a smirk and a sigh. "I guess i better show you."

Andrew walked back to the car, and sat down on the car hood, his cigarette still between his fingers. Neil was standing in front of him, his expression was open in that way that nobody gets to see but Andrew.

He walked closer to Andrew and stood between his open thighs. His hands were limp by his sides. His eyes locked on Andrew's.

 

No, Andrew Minyard wasn't a saint at all. And he wasn't suddenly cured from his demons but at days/nights like this, he thinks he's alright.

 

"Yes or no?" Asked Neil closing the distance between the two men, he was close but not yet touching. His breaths were hot on Andrew's face.

"Yes." Andrew said closing the distance between the two and crashed his lips on Neil's while holding the back of Neil's neck with his free hand.

yeah, he's alright for now.


End file.
